Flavors of Addiction
Do you have a habit that has become so strong that it could be classified as an “addiction”? Many people believe that everyone has one. An addiction. Even the word sounds dirty, does it not? An addiction. Ugh. Does that make you an addict? That sounds even worse! Yet, there are many common things that we, as a society, have decided to put them in the addiction basket. To name the more common ones:
Alcohol. Drugs (including “huffing”). Smoking (just another drug, but usually treated separately). Caffeine (again, a drug). Food. Gambling. Sex. Self harm. Exercise (not bad at all, but can be an addiction nonetheless).
Then, there are some very odd ones as illustrated on various tv shows such as “my strange addiction”. The people in these cases eat things we generally would not consider to be edible like foam rubber, metal, or rocks. At this point, we determine that it is so different from the normal, we classify it as a mental condition known as pika. Which, as a side note, my father suffered from as a symptom of his late stage alcoholism and drug use. It was very unnerving to be sitting in a room with him and hear the crunch crunch crunch as he ate slivers of decorative white quartzite stones. I was in my late teens then and a very inquisitive young scientist so I would ask him why rocks? Why specific rocks? How do you like them? And I would take a hammer and prepare slivers of the very unique type of rock he ate and gave them to him. It was fascinating! Disturbing, yes, but fascinating nonetheless.
Back to my main point. Does everyone have one? I believe that it is possible to live this life, within the Matrix (society) and not have one. I grew up, and currently reside in Utah, so the first thing that comes to my mind is my Mormon acquaintances because on the surface they seem to be a group of people very unlikely to be addicts. Yet, there are plenty who are addicted to food, and if you dig deeper you find that Utah is among the top states for prescription drug use and pornograpy consumption. In fact, today, if you are in Utah and try to access Pornhub, you get a cute message saying that Utah has passed legislation requiring porn peddlers to verify the age of the consumer because they have had such a problem with youths becoming addicted to porn. Given the repressed nature of the church in regards to premarital sex, and the legality of prescription drugs, it’s easy to see why Utah falls under this spotlight.
Next, I think of every person I know, or have known, and it is truly difficult to identify one of them that doesn’t have “something”. However, I do believe those people exist. But even the act of deliberately not having a habit, can become an addiction! For the purpose of my blog, though, I am going to assume that everyone has some sort of addiction even though I believe it is possible to not have one. Why?
Because it is damn difficult to live in the Matrix without one.
But when does having an addiction become a problem? It becomes a problem when you start to step out of the norms set by our society. When it starts to affect you noticeably. Take for example, if you start calling in sick to work. Or you stop going out with your friends to the movies or wherever. When your appearance is such that people take notice and judge you. Or when it starts costing you so much money, it becomes difficult to pay your bills.
In my opinion, one of the largest problems comes when relationships start to strain. Maybe you have arguments with your significant other, in front of the kids. Or maybe you start arguing with your kids over it. Your friends take notice and start making little comments. As a natural reaction, either you make some changes to “better” yourself (which really means to fit into the Matrix in a more acceptable way) or you hold your own boundaries, decide to just be yourself, and it is possible that relationships may suffer as a result.
Once relationships suffer, isolation begins. And being isolated can be very damaging. I understand this better than most, as I am currently isolated, and have been for a great number of years.
Now, of course, some of the addictions I mentioned, such as maybe a food addiction, is still much more socially acceptable than, say, smoking meth. There are plenty of people who, genetically, are predisposed to weight gain. For them, even if they DO have a food addiction, it is still easy to say “well this is just how I am, and you should accept me for who I am”. And in today’s very accommodating society, mostly they are.
Can you imagine if I sat there and drank a fifth of vodka, then snorted a few lines of coke, started screaming at imaginary demons or worse? Then, turned and said “ACCEPT ME MUTHAFUCKERS, THIS IS HOW I AM!!!”. I don’t think it would go so well, and in fact, it has not for me. Boundaries get set, backs get turned, and isolation sets in.
In many ways, this is a silly debate that can rage forever. The food addicts will say, “well, I have to eat to survive”. The alcoholics will say “my brain is telling me I must drink to survive”. Or, my favorite “I have a disease, and there is no real cure”.
At this point, you may wonder why I feel the need to drive home this point. In short, it is because I really feel a need to relate to people, or closer to the truth, I have a really strong desire for people to be able to relate to me. I understand that not everyone who reads this blog will be an alcoholic or addict in the true sense of being hooked on alcohol or drugs, but may be able to relate to me and my message because of some other “thing” they have. I want to be able to use terms like rock bottom and recovery and have readers be able not just to understand, but to really feel the meaning of the terms.
Personally I believe it is completely healthy to have one or two addictions, provided that they don’t inhibit your goals. I say screw what other people think. Are your addictions hurting your goals? My favorite example of this would be the guy that says “I will eat steak, drink 3 beers a night, smoke a few cigs and not exercise until the day I die, and if that happens sooner because of it, so be it!”. It makes me chuckle because clearly this individual does not have a goal of living longer, in fact he most certainly will die sooner. His goal is freedom and joy in his life, not extending it.
Conversely, if you are overweight and out of shape but have a goal one day of hiking the Grand Canyon beyond just the overlook points, you may want to do something about your weight and physical fitness.
Maybe you want to upgrade your house to a slightly larger one, but can’t seem to get out of a casino and recognize it is eating up your savings. Or you have a shopping addiction, and are in too much credit card debt.
For me, I simply reached a point where the physical, mental, and spiritual pain became such that I could not exist any longer. There were times, as much as I am a bit ashamed to admit, that I was done with life, and it was easier for me to just end it all then to face the difficulties of putting my life back on track. I truly hope nobody gets to that level of despair, and it is my very sincere wish that I can hope anyone who feels that way.
I wonder, if in your head as you read this, you are thinking that I hit “rock bottom”. Ah! That is a great question. To make it less complicated, I will say “yeah, I suppose I did”. But that is really not true. In Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a popular saying that goes something like “I hit rock bottom, but found a trap door there that led to another bottom”. Or perhaps you have heard terms thrown around like “false bottom”. Dear reader, do you know how many rock bottoms I have hit? Crashing my truck head on into a tree? Driving a car into the ocean? Overdosing? Losing every possible person, place or thing in my life that meant anything? DUI? Getting arrested so many times I have lost count? Sitting in rehabs and mental institutions? Laying behind a building in a puddle of my own piss, shit, and vomit?
Ok, sorry for those graphics, I just needed to illustrate a point which is for some of us, rock bottom does not exist. However, there is something that can make us change. Unfortunately, I have run out of time and THAT will be something to look forward to in a future blog post!
Until then, I really hope I have given you something to think about. I am early in blogging and worry that these early posts will be a bit mundane and without answers, but I feel it is necessary to sort of get readers up to speed on where I am at in my awareness and understanding. Until next time, peace and strength to you!