Get to know Christian

Hi! My name is Christian Polak and I am an addiction and suicide survivor and I would like to dedicate most of my time to philosophy, specifically within the confines of our social structure and the civilization of mankind.  As my background is in tech, I am especially interested in how technology shapes our lives (social media, artificial intelligence, etc.).

I grew up in the Salt Lake City valley, and went to Utah State University on a music scholarship for cello performance, but went on to a career in IS/IT as a software engineer in the Phoenix metro area of Arizona.  My 20+ year career in technology and technology management was very successful and enabled me to pursue a secondary career in music performance, also very successful.

I started, like many, very young in my “career” in addiction.  Alcohol is my primary drug of choice (DOC), but I will do pretty much anything that gives me a dopamine rush and an escape from reality.  I was 14 when I realized that I loved drinking in a way nobody else my age did, and from there, progressed in every conceivable way to the late stage alcoholic/addict I am today.

I was married for 22 years and have 2 boys that I helped raise to the young teen years before life as I knew it ceased to exist.  My wife left me in 2018, taking the boys with her, and I am estranged from them at this point in time. I have acknowledged and accepted fully my majority part in the divorce, and am ready to move on with new purpose.

I went into my first addiction treatment program somewhere around 2009 (at 35 years of age), and since then, have been in at least 20 inpatient programs;  a combination of substance abuse treatment, mental health treatment, behavior modification, or some combination of the aforementioned (often referred to as “dual diagnosis”) in Arizona, Utah, California, Oregon, Nevada, Iowa, and Illinois.  If you include hospital visits for critical detox, or injuries sustained as a direct result of intoxication or suicide attempts, that number jumps to well over 30 in the last 16 years, including twice on life support.

I have been arrested somewhere around 10 times in 2 states, spent time in jail, but have no felony convictions nor have I been to prison.  All of my charges are non-violent (I am generally a very passive person) but stem from drinking such as public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and one DUI.  I am also a very honest person, and have not resorted to theft to fuel my addictions, but rather, have been the victim of many thefts while out and about on the streets.

I currently reside with my aging mother, who allows me to stay with her when I am sober (as I am now).  Aside from that, I have mostly been homeless since my divorce, living at times out of a motorhome or car, and when I lost those, on the streets or in a shelter.

I am diagnosed bi-polar, major depressive disorder, anti-social personality disorder, PTSD, and am in the highly functioning autism spectrum. I used to be pretty high IQ (a member of Mensa) but the years of drinking, and later drugs, have taken a toll. I don't think that is a bad thing 😀

My varied interests include music, tech, outdoor survival, skiing, logic games and puzzles, physics, the cosmos, and DYI projects and repairs not limited to homes, landscaping, motor vehicles, and boats.  I love to read, and I occasionally binge watch tv shows or movies that have science fiction, fantasy, or dystopian plots.

My general philosophy is a blend of existentialism and nihilism.  My goal of this blog is to find and maybe even help others that struggle with living in this world we have created, whether due to addiction or philosophical views.  Basically, to find other neuro divergent individuals like myself.

I am an generally speaking an atheist, but spiritually very open.  I do not deny a possible existence God, but am leaning towards there not being one.  I am very intrigued with the “physics of the micro” (think quantum physics, the multiverse, etc.), and its possible relationship with spirituality.

I guess that's it for now! Cheers!