Play It Forward

We’ve all been there.  It’s called “the day after” and it sucks.  The day after we did something that we now view as embarrassing at least.  Or at the worst horrific.  Maybe we drank too much and made a fool of ourselves at the office Christmas party by hitting on coworkers we never would have while sober.  Or, you used a substance that you had sworn off of.  Or ate that extra couple pieces of pie while on a diet.

Yes, the day after.  For some of us, the day after could mean ending up in a life threatening situation like wrecking a car and barely surviving it.  Or ending up in jail.  Waking up in a pile of piss or vomit.  Or both.  Having to find your way home with shit stains showing on your pants because you lost the ability to hold onto it.

I’ve been in all of the above situations, or even worse which I won’t describe.  So regardless of how bad, we all have something burned into our memories.

The good news is that we can use that with a cool little trick called play the tape forward.  Or shorter, play it forward.  As if our life were a movie that we can rewind or fast forward.  In a former post I described gratitude mantras.  I can show you how to use both to have a powerful tool to prevent you from doing those crazy things.  And I can assure you this is one of the best tools I have learned (and used) out of the toolbox that I have gained from countless stays in various institutions.

Basically when you are in a situation where you are making a choice between picking a bad habit up again, or not, you simply need to play the tape forward and visualize what will happen.  For example, here is one of my many reels that I use to play it forward.

My mom has left the house, and will be gone for a couple hours.  Now is my opportunity to go out and buy a bottle without her knowing, and bring it back to the house and have a few drinks.  I’ll be able to handle it.  I won’t go crazy on the bottle because I’ll just buy a small one.  I buy that pint, come back and drink it.  I never stop once I start.  I go back to the store, and this time I am compromised and have already lost control so I buy a bigger bottle.  I go home and start really drinking.  She comes home and immediately knows I have been drinking.  She confronts me, and I get mad and defensive.  We argue.  She takes my bottle away which angers me enough to punch a wall or pull a painting off the wall and break it.  I leave.  I head to the liquor store to buy a bottle to replace the one she stole, as that is my right.  I try to get to a bus stop to get out of this town, because the police know me here.  I sit at the bus stop and openly drink.  I am so drunk at this point, I miss the bus because I get up and start walking around.  Eventually, I can't fined the bus stop because I am confused about where it even is, and I’m thinking other thoughts of walking somewhere.  I eventually find the bus stop again, and sit down.  It is too late so no bus is running.  But I don’t realize that, because time has lost all meaning at this point.  I sit and wait for the bus that will never come.  Then, I lose consciousness as I pass out on the sidewalk.  Somebody walking or driving by calls the police, because they think I am dead or I overdosed.  The police come and manage to shake or kick me awake.  They do know me as a drunk, and also know I will fight with them if they wake me up.  Because I don’t know what is going on and I go into fight or flight mode, and I typically pick fights when I am that inebriated.  I start yelling at them to fuck off and calling them the most horrific names I can imagine.  They see my empty or half full bottle, and know they can arrest me for drunken disorderly or public intoxication.  They put their hands on me, and I resist.  Boom.  Another charge for resisting arrest.  I start flailing my hands, and eventually they slam me to the ground and cuff me.  I usually pick up some injury as a result.  I don’t remember much, or any of this, because I am blacked out mentally.  So I wake up in jail.  I also realize I have dried vomit on my shirt, and I smell of piss.  I have to call my mom, who doesn’t want anything to do with me.  I sit in the drunk tank with a half dozen others, then get moved to the “pit” where you have to sit on a concrete bench (no laying down or standing up and pacing) for up to 12 hours while you wait for a brief teleconference with a judge.  I finally get released, and I am reasonably sober.  My body aches from the toils of the arrest.  I have to catch a bus if I am lucky enough to have not lost my wallet or had it stolen.  Or I have to walk home.  My mother doesn’t let me in, so I talk to her through the window.  Maybe she lets me back in, maybe she has already packed me a bag and throws it out to me and says “come back in a few days after you have had time to think about how good you have it here”.

I know that was a lot to read, but really, that tape plays forward pretty fast in the mind while you visualize it.  So when my mom leaves the house now, I play that tape forward once, twice, maybe 3 times until I am convinced that is what will happen.  And frankly, the last few times I drank, that actually has happened.  Or, I manage to catch a bus to a city that is more lenient on drunks (usually downtown SLC) but they still confront me and take me to the VOA (Volunteers Of America) shelter to sober up for a few days.  Or I end up falling and hurting myself, or respiratory distress, and end up in an emergency room.  These have been the resulting scenarios of literally the last probably 5 times I drank before finally stopping.

Now for the best part which is something I developed on my own, not from a therapist or an institution.  I immediately pick up my gratitude mantra list and read it at least one time, taking time on each one to visualize and meditate on.

Following those exercises I then immediately turn to a coping mechanism such as picking up my cello, reading a book, or going for a walk.  At that point, generally the urge has completely passed.  

I have used these methods countless times since I stopped, and for me, combined they remain the most powerful tool to get past cravings and urges.  I really hope you can put together your own play it forward tape, and use it to avoid that regretful day after.  As always, peace and strength to you my friends.